True Love

I'm not sure how much songs differ from poetry, apart from that songs have more metrical things and generally a tune, so I'm going treat mostly as a poem.

I enjoyed this alot. I happen to also be somewhat of a romantic, so I can comprehend your style and focus. However, I feel that this is caught between the realms of a song and a poem. Your subject matter does fit under the looser standards of a song, but I feel that your delivery reflects a more poetic take.

As for the actual verses, your use of questions implies a conflict; drawing attention to specific focuses to show contrast, but you don't really reflect a problem or conflict at all. In fact, I'd have to say it's quite the opposite: you're showing contentment with your relationship, unless, of course, there's something you're not quite saying. In my opinion, you may need a stronger chorus to keep drawing back to it. (I also didn't see a bridge for the song. Did you intend one?)

I like the imagery. Your connotations work wonderfully and your tone is well executed. I just wonder if your song would be better suited as a poem. The content is great though. You have a little to work with meter-wise, but I enjoyed this.

This was a generally well written song, I myself have written a song or to but still yet need to post them. As I was reading this there were a few things I noticed about this that I liked and disliked. I'll start with the likes. I liked that when I read this I could put a tune to it without getting frustrated that something isn't working with the tune. I also enjoyed that I understood the text and that it made sense to be a song. I also enjoyed how you ended wit what you started it really helps to conclude the song, I personally LOVED that part. Now the dislikes/ critics...


Quote:
Verse 3:
Hand in hand, you make memories
Like the hope you see shimmering in his eyes.
How could you have surrendered to this?
Surrendered to this.
Because...


The you part messes up, as it says "hand in hand you make memories" wouldn't be "Hand in hand we make memories" I mean there are two people aren't there?

Second, the fact that you are constantly repeating the chorus bugs me sooooo much. I can't stress that point enough, so simply make it a chorus every second verse or something along those lines.

Next, I think you should have a bridge(a part that is a different tune from the rest of the song/a part that doesn't follow the pattern, the part leading up to the climax...Just in case you didn't know the definition)
It could really liven the song up.

Other than those things it is pretty good. It has lots of potential so please edit it.

Here are two links I think might help you with future songwriting....
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridge_%28music%29
AND
http://www.robinfrederick.com/write.html



If you have any questions please PM me. Also please let me know when you have edited it by simply PM ing me.

Keep writing, you have lots of potential

-BroadwayGirl

I fall into this nitch all the time, its too repetitive, you don't have to do the chorus after every verse, maybe every other one.


And then in the forth verse...

Verse 4:
Do I hear wedding bells ringing in the distance?
Or is that just my imaginings?
Imaginings.
For...


You switch from sticking to "you"s to "I"s.

It sounds like a pop song right? At least thats the tone I'm getting or a less intense style of rock. But I liked it, it would be nice to hear sung.

Interesting. I think you could be a bit more descriptive in the verses. Thats all I can think of


*Seraph*

Hello, Jamie! I'm not much with lyrics/poetry, so I'll see what I can do. Hopefully, someone smarter than I will come along and give you a more in-depth crit.

Lol! Punctuation sooo doesn't count in lyrics, so ignore such comments. I'm just nit-picky and feel better when I correct them. Just bear with me.

Belongs to you...

How could you have surrendered to this?
Surrendered to this.